So I’m transcribing my journal from when I was 17. I’m not totally positive what the value of this exercise is, but I think it has to do with understanding the arcs that I’ve created for myself. I mean, I’ve probably cycled through a substantial number of them over the years, but I suspect (and so far this has been borne out) that none of them will be particularly alien. I think there is an identifiable character that has been consistent throughout the years (except that back then I wrote “by” instead of “by” all the damn time.)
This is, like all important things, a source of serious potential ambivalence. On the one hand, it’s good that my personality is coherent and recognizable. I was not involved in adaptation to norms or the various sorts of selling out that people regret later in life. This is good. On the other hand, sometimes it feels like I’ve been sort of struggling with (or mincing around complaining about) then same things (mainly: “why don’t people loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove me”) for fifteen fucking years, and there are all sorts of associated things that it may or may not have monkeywrenched along the way. This is a bit disheartening.